A Letter from your Stitch Fix Stylist: Quarantine Version
By Craig Weiner and Andrea Strong
I am delighted to be styling you today. I hope you and your loved ones are well during this difficult time!
So sorry that your Stitch Fix has arrived 73 days late. Trying to style you while isolated in my 200 square foot studio apartment in pajamas I have not taken off in two weeks, while drooling over, err, watching Andrew Cuomo’s daily briefings, has become more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Also, I had to finish Tiger King.
Speaking of briefings, I hope you like these pinstripe opal and ivory breathable cotton boxer briefs from Mac Weldon. When you fold them and turn them sideways to create a mask for your social distance walks, you can write “I used to know what day it is” in red lipstick on the lines. That way people can guess the day and try and help you as they walk by from a distance.
Three weeks after I began styling you, I was struck with an idea while scrolling through a Finnish dating site and adopted their custom of “Kalsarikannit,” or drinking without pants #pantsdrunk, and I feel surprisingly free and unencumbered. I then closed out my 36 open tabs and found your Pinterest page. That’s when I realized I was still in a virtual happy hour with my friends who were forming a class action divorce suit against their husbands. I laughed and pretended I had a husband. Or any kind of human in my life at all.
Anywho, I noticed on your Pinterest page that you have gotten really into homemade mask making, so I have enclosed this exclusive Stitch Fix Mask Making Kit that includes artisanal wee wee pads, vintage vacuum cleaner bags, and rainbow shoelaces.
Also, since I see you like loungewear (why wear anything with zippers, am I right?), I have enclosed these soft and cozy baby elephant gray sweatpants which can also be used as a mask as soon as a hole forms in the crotch.
Cooking is something everyone seems to be doing more of since the entire restaurant industry has collapsed leaving hundreds of thousands jobless, so I thought this floral apron would be a useful addition to your at-home repertoire. It comes with a case of wine, a wine opener, an exterior reinforced cup holder and a wine glass “sippy cup” with reusable bamboo straw for full-time hydration.
Since social distancing is encouraged, here is a hip flannel button down that is stained and worn and has been run over several times in cow dung so that it will encourage social distancing of at least six feet if not more. We understand that dogs and pigeons may follow you, but we feel this is a worthwhile trade off to human isolation and may even provide immunity from a variety of tropical avian flus. I see that you are homeschooling all of your children! While working, cooking and cleaning full time! What a wonderful way to bond with your children and educate the next generation! As it seems these may eventually (tomorrow) come in handy, I have enclosed two pairs of Nike Super Speedy Runner’s Shoes. They will help you sprint quickly away from your children after realizing you’d rather catch COVID than continue to teach your six-year-old how to make sets of ten. You’re welcome!
Since it seems from your Facebook page that you are not leaving the house, we have enclosed these ruby red fuzzy unicorn slippers, just click your heels three times and you will land in Emerald City where COVID does not exist and all of this will be but a distant memory. Actually, that’s not true at all, but it sounds good and makes me happy to imagine what that might be like.
I have also enclosed a few Ambien, which I have a feeling you might need. These rust-orange pills (a colorful neutral which pairs well with everything!) just fell out of my bottle and into your box as I was shaking a few into my mouth with my morning coffee. Let me know how you like them and next time perhaps I can also add some Zoloft and we can take them together while sipping hand-crafted mezcal margaritas over Zoom. I am generally available anytime.
To complete this Fix, I have enclosed my personal contact information as any kind of human contact may keep me from weeping into my unwashed pillowcase—while I listen to Adele on repeat—for one more day. Oh, wow, look at this, it seems I have infiltrated my clients’ Zoom calls incognito! Looks like I have the rest of my week planned!
Looking forward to hearing your feedback on this Fix! Xoxocallmepleasexoxo! Alexandra